Old Bits and Pieces

I wrote this a few months ago when I was a little sick. I tried to get it published, but was rejected. Ultimately I don't believe that it is my best writing and I think the idea I had when I first put pen to paper was better than what came about.

Anyway, I've decided to post this here. Enjoy.

Gastric Flu AKA Throwing Up From Both Ends

I woke up in my crumby bed feeling the springs through the hole in my mattress. “I’ll probably have a knot when I get up,” was my first thought. That quickly changed. Something didn’t appear to be right. My stomach gargled, then tightened.

This couldn’t be good.

“Maybe I just need to take a shit,” I thought. After nine hours of lying dormant my body probably had some waste to get rid of. I forced myself out of bed, fighting against the increasing gargle from my bowels. I made my way towards the bathroom, pushed the door open and then it hit: we had an emergency. It was time for evasive action.

I rushed to the toilet. It had to be one swift, fluid motion; boxers down, toilet cover up, sit down, let’er rip.

I succeeded in the motions, but upon my release I discovered this was going to be the beginning of a rough day. What came out of my body was not solid (and it should have been, for it came out the hole that nature deemed “solids exit here”). It felt as if my body was redirecting all of the fluid within my system and pushing it out my ass in one continuous stream.

This lasted at least 20 minutes. By the end of round one, I already felt as if a heavyweight champ had pummeled my body. This was only the first of a 24 set match.

I had a bug, most likely contracted somewhere along my daily commute. It approached silently and made itself at home without a disturbance until it decided to make its presence known. Like a bad drunken decision, I can’t be entirely sure who or what the bug was, but I’m fairly certain it was some form of Gastric Flu.

I left the bathroom, dragging my feet, poured myself a glass of water and collapsed on the couch. I’m pretty sure that I passed out for what felt like a few hours, but it could have only been a few minutes. All I know is that out of nowhere I jolted up off the couch and with whatever energy I still had sprinted towards the bathroom. This time I was dealing with the opposite end of my system, up and out as they say. I spewed out whatever solids remained in my stomach, feeling the little bits of my partially digested dinner of the night before rub against my teeth. It was such a sweet, acidic flavor that you only get from the finest of vomit, after all, vomit, like wine is better aged.

The thing with throwing up is that even when you think you’re done, your body keeps forcing something, anything out. This is the dry heave (or non-productive emesis) and for lack of a more poignant word, it sucks. Once this was over, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach a few times. I splashed some water on my face, rinsed out my mouth, and actually thought that I was feeling a bit better.

I was wrong. I was only in the eye of the storm.

Believing that I was semi-better and that I should get some food and drink in my system; I made myself a nice cup of tea and some lightly buttered toast. It wasn’t exactly breakfast of champions, but my taste buds had been numbed by the exposure to stomach acids. I began to feel quite jubilant, as if I had vanquished some terrible beast. I finished my toast and drank my tea down, only to see the beast rise again from its ashes.

I didn’t have time to make it to the bathroom this time. Instead I grabbed the nearest pot that was hanging in the kitchen, and proceeded to enter the next round of my match with the flu. Out came my tea and toast, mixed in with more acid and bile. I finished. As I got up to wash out the pot, I got another twinge from my bowel area. It seems my lower digestive track felt neglected.

Rushing to the bathroom, pot still in hand, I went through the same evasive measures that I had taken earlier. This time even more toxic sludge came out of me! I’m still amazed that this was even possible, that I could have so much crap inside of me. As I sat on the toilet in agonizing pain as my lower digestive tract was drained, my stomach started to gargle. “How is this possible?” I thought to myself, but before I could even comprehend what was going on. I was throwing up into the pot again…all while still having the most terrible diarrhea of my life. I was throwing up from both ends. Whatever was in my system, my body was forcing out as fast as it could.

It’s a strange feeling to have your body conduct two violent system discharges at the exact same time. You feel helpless, dirty, and slightly amused at the same time. “I’m throwing up and shitting at the same time,” I thought. This goes against all laws of physics! What would that girlfriend I had that said I couldn’t multi-task say if she saw this?

Clearly, she’d probably be sickened by the fact that she was wrong… or by the swirling smell of vomit and diarrhea in the air.